choices

A Typical Musing of a Single 30-Something

| sophiekemsley

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It’s not very often that I actually sit down and watch television, but I had read about Channel 4’s one-off drama, “I Am Hannah” and felt compelled to tune in.  Starring the talented Gemma Chan as the protagonist, the drama told the story of Hannah, a lady in her mid to late 30’s who was single, without children and – in contrast to the questions being thrown at her from her mother and various Tinder dates – not really set on an interest in changing either of those circumstances.  The only thing she was sure of, was that she wasn’t sure, but it was clear as the programme went on that the constant enquiries were wearing her out.  We saw her have a meltdown a couple of times.

The script resonated with me in a way that I haven’t experienced from television very often, and left me feeling an overall sense of relief.  I Am Hannah may have been a piece of fiction, but it was a real piece of fiction, no doubt influenced by the current state of society and the fact that more and more people are choosing to be single, and fewer people are choosing to have children, whether in a relationship or not.  Yet, considering the increasing volume of people making these choices and living this way, there seems to be very little acknowledgement or celebration of it as an option.

When typical conversations among groups of 30 year olds are about engagements, weddings, babies… it’s easy to forget that living any other way is actually pretty common, and an increasing number of people are doing it.  It’s easy to forget that happiness and purpose can be found down many avenues beyond the traditional ones, but it shouldn’t be, and it wouldn’t be, if only we spoke out about it more.  And if as a society we stopped with the echoes of defeatist mantras like, “you’ll find somebody!” when people say that they are single.  These only perpetuate the message that happiness depends on being with somebody else and that what you have right now will never be satisfying enough… and that’s a very dangerous realm of thought for anybody to get into.

I am 33 years old, in two months’ time I will be turning 34.  Tickedytickedytock.  For basically – well forever, since I am older now than I’ve ever been – I have sailed happily on a wave of open-mindedness when it comes to marriage and children.  It’s still very much my belief that life is a matter of fate, and is there to be enjoyed no matter what happens and which way you end up living it.  There is a massive part of me that feels more inspired by the thought of a non-conventional lifestyle – whatever that might entail – than one dictated by a set of milestones, and the race to reach each one “in time”.  Those milestones don’t stop (“So when’s the next one due?”) and quite frankly, I’ve not been to the gym enough recently to believe I have the stamina to cope with engaging with the race. That’s not to say I’m not interested in having a partner or children, there are many things about that particular avenue that are attractive to me too, but it just means I haven’t got my heart set on it.

But, whilst that may have been a useful and healthy way of thinking for 33 years… tickedytickedytock makes you put it underneath the microscope a bit, particularly when you see so many others out there formulating mathematical equations as to when they should meet someone, when they should marry, and when they should start trying for a baby.  Then you wonder if you should be doing that yourself.  Then you remember you’re not sure you want those things anyway.  Then you get up, go and make a coffee and get back to the billion and one other responsibilities you have as an adult – work, paying Road Tax, hoovering.  Then before you know it you’ve turned another year older.  TICKEDYTICKEDYTOCK!

“But what if I get to 40 then think I’ve made a mistake” says Hannah, to a friend who looks incredibly awkward about the question.  And therein lies the nutfuck.  The prospect of trying to prepare today for how you might feel in a tomorrow in which you might be a completely different person, that’s assuming you’re lucky enough to still be alive.  Yes, who’s to say you won’t change your mind and become desperate for a child?  Equally, who’s to say you won’t remain feeling indifferent to parenthood, or – even worse – end up regretting having a child?  But, the response to this dilemma isn’t like stockpiling bottles of water because you’ve heard a draught may be ahead.  You can’t apply that sort of premeditated logic to this. This involves human life, and I can think of nothing more inappropriate than going through the motions of having a baby I feel indifferent about now just in case I later decide that I want one.  I’d like to have a Wagon Wheel right now though, that’s something that I am certain of.

And actually; maybe that’s the only path which is a necessity to take in life.  Concerning yourself only with the here and now and letting nature dictate the rest.  Being fulfilled by what you have right now whether that’s a husband and kids or an evening with friends and a delicious lemon meringue in the fridge.  Making decisions on the basis of how you feel right now because that’s the only emotion you’re sure of.  Putting together the model kit that represents your life without any set of instruction or illustration of the final image, only working out on a piece by piece basis of how it’s meant to connect.

We’ll all have a completely different structure in the end.

And how cool is that?

Song of the Day: The Derevolutions – Spinning Twister Sound

This pretty unique band is so vastly under-rated yet they write upbeat Summer tunes like this.  What is going on in the world.

 

 

Something I Wish I’d Realised Earlier

| sophiekemsley

(When I decided to ‘draw’ a post, I forgot to factor in how terrible I am at Art, but at least it means I don’t have to worry about people stealing pictures from my site)

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Knowing what to do and making decisions is often a far from simple process for anybody, particularly if there are important things at stake.

I hate having to choose between things (and I’m not just talking about whether to go for number 38 – Sweet and Sour pork, or number 42 – Crispy Chilli Beef – although that dilemma is dismaying enough).  It’s especially daunting when the available options vary significantly in their potential outcomes or implications, and sometimes it’s easier just to turn our backs on the decision altogether, and continue on our merry way as we were before, rather than throw caution to the wind, go with our gut and get on with it.

Other times, it’s not even just the fear that prevents us from making a decision, but a genuine yearning for each of the choices – to go to the beach and swim or go to the park and picnic? To live in the town where there’s a lot going on, or to live in the countryside where the surroundings are so green and beautiful?  To travel the world or to settle down sooner with a house and family? To become a teacher or to become an astronaut?  To wear pyjamas or to wear a nightgown…. etc, etc.

The problem is that all the whilst you’re trying to choose between these things and contemplating about how good each one could be you’re not actually doing any of them.  You are being pulled in different directions and then like the stick-men in the rowing boat above, you remain motionless as a result – if the options you wish to pursue are polar-opposites it will be harder to make any visible progress with any of them.

Unless you make a plan.  One that includes everything you want it to include, in a way which can work with a bit of forward-thinking and perhaps a bit of compromise too.  It’s not impossible to pursue each option provided you manage to fit them around one another and if you think long and hard enough about it all you are bound to find a way in which you can do that.  Up until around two years ago, I couldn’t for the life of me choose between Career or Travel.  I didn’t want to commit to a career because I knew it would mean I couldn’t just swan off to Asia for three months again, and I didn’t want to commit to Travel because I knew it would delay me from getting my career on track.  I wanted both but the problem was that whilst I wasn’t earning from a career, I couldn’t exactly afford to travel either.  In essence I was doing sod-all; treading water in a small oasis in the middle of a desert.  I was unhappy and felt pointless because I wasn’t doing either of the things I really wanted to and, on top of all that, I was wasting valuable time.  I realised I needed to make a proper plan, so took a notepad into a coffee shop and started thinking.  It was only then that I realised I could be doing both: pursuing a career and then using the salary to travel during the holidays.*  It sounds so obvious now but for many months I felt I had to choose between the two, and it’s in that area of No Man’s Land in which you are most in danger of feeling pressured to pick one option over the other and completely forgetting all about the one you don’t pursue, when it could be something that really means a lot to you.

So, if you are really struggling to choose between things, particularly when it comes to working out what you want to do with your life, just remember to slow down and take the time to try and make each of the pieces of the puzzle fit together somehow.  Take each of the things that are important to you and allocate the times when you will focus on them so that they can all feature in your grand plan.  Wear your pyjamas in Winter and your nightgown in Summer; be an astronaut whilst you’re young and fit and a teacher when you’re older, wiser and able to tell your pupils amusing anecdotes about Space; go the beach now whilst the sun is shining and save the park for later on, when it’s cooler and you don’t plan on swimming.

There’s always a way to make things work, provided you take the time to find it.  You can do everything, provided you have patience and a plan.

* – This particular decision is a rarity, I’m still, for the most part, crap at making them – but now I at least realise it doesn’t always have to be about one or the other.

Song of the Day:  Dinosaur Feathers – Family Waves

I just can’t seem to get bored of listening to this song by New York indie-pop act Dinosaur Feathers.  These guys are criminally under-rated, but music sounds better when it’s like that.