Not a proper post from me this month as I’ve been using my spare time to swot up for my driving theory test (yes, the thing most people do when they’ve barely outgrown their Pampers Pull-ups, but what idiots like me need to do now because they failed their practical test enough times a decade ago to eventually invalidate the original theory pass).
Instead, I just wanted to share a damning if not slightly amusing observation I made earlier about today’s date and the range in fortunes it has seen over the past few years:
The 23rd of May 2010 – on a plane to Indonesia, looking out the window to this view, sat next to a somewhat dishy Australian surfer, with three months of awe-inspiring moments ahead…:
The 23rd of May 2013 – on a train to Ashford, looking out the window to this view, sat next to a loud, obnoxious chap in a suit, with an half-hour journey through commuter mundanity ahead…:
…If there’s anything we can say about life for sure, it’s that it’s loaded with extremes. I guess it’s that fact alone that can help us to facilitate the savouring of good moments as they occur, but keep on walking through the not-so-good moments.
So… bring on tomorrow and whatever surprises it may bring, because that’s what keeps things interesting 😉
Song of the Day: Psapp – Monster Song
Psapp are a quirky little duo from London who are often credited as being the inventors of the toytronica genre – a musical style that incorporates the use of childrens’ toys amongst standard electronics.
I have nothing but respect for any artist responsible for that.
(When I decided to ‘draw’ a post, I forgot to factor in how terrible I am at Art, but at least it means I don’t have to worry about people stealing pictures from my site)
Knowing what to do and making decisions is often a far from simple process for anybody, particularly if there are important things at stake.
I hate having to choose between things (and I’m not just talking about whether to go for number 38 – Sweet and Sour pork, or number 42 – Crispy Chilli Beef – although that dilemma is dismaying enough). It’s especially daunting when the available options vary significantly in their potential outcomes or implications, and sometimes it’s easier just to turn our backs on the decision altogether, and continue on our merry way as we were before, rather than throw caution to the wind, go with our gut and get on with it.
Other times, it’s not even just the fear that prevents us from making a decision, but a genuine yearning for each of the choices – to go to the beach and swim or go to the park and picnic? To live in the town where there’s a lot going on, or to live in the countryside where the surroundings are so green and beautiful? To travel the world or to settle down sooner with a house and family? To become a teacher or to become an astronaut? To wear pyjamas or to wear a nightgown…. etc, etc.
The problem is that all the whilst you’re trying to choose between these thingsand contemplating about how good each one could beyou’re not actually doing any of them. You are being pulled in different directions and then like the stick-men in the rowing boat above, you remain motionless as a result – if the options you wish to pursue are polar-opposites it will be harder to make any visible progress with any of them.
Unless you make a plan. One that includes everything you want it to include, in a way which can work with a bit of forward-thinking and perhaps a bit of compromise too. It’s not impossible to pursue each option provided you manage to fit them around one another and if you think long and hard enough about it all you are bound to find a way in which you can do that. Up until around two years ago, I couldn’t for the life of me choose between Career or Travel. I didn’t want to commit to a career because I knew it would mean I couldn’t just swan off to Asia for three months again, and I didn’t want to commit to Travel because I knew it would delay me from getting my career on track. I wanted both but the problem was that whilst I wasn’t earning from a career, I couldn’t exactly afford to travel either. In essence I was doing sod-all; treading water in a small oasis in the middle of a desert. I was unhappy and felt pointless because I wasn’t doing either of the things I really wanted to and, on top of all that, I was wasting valuable time. I realised I needed to make a proper plan, so took a notepad into a coffee shop and started thinking. It was only then that I realised I could be doing both: pursuing a career and then using the salary to travel during the holidays.* It sounds so obvious now but for many months I felt I had to choose between the two, and it’s in that area of No Man’s Land in which you are most in danger of feeling pressured to pick one option over the other and completely forgetting all about the one you don’t pursue, when it could be something that really means a lot to you.
So, if you are really struggling to choose between things, particularly when it comes to working out what you want to do with your life, just remember to slow down and take the time to try and make each of the pieces of the puzzle fit together somehow. Take each of the things that are important to you and allocate the times when you will focus on them so that they can all feature in your grand plan. Wear your pyjamas in Winter and your nightgown in Summer; be an astronaut whilst you’re young and fit and a teacher when you’re older, wiser and able to tell your pupils amusing anecdotes about Space; go the beach now whilst the sun is shining and save the park for later on, when it’s cooler and you don’t plan on swimming.
There’s always a way to make things work, provided you take the time to find it. You can do everything, provided you have patience and a plan.
* – This particular decision is a rarity, I’m still, for the most part, crap at making them – but now I at least realise it doesn’t always have to be about one or the other.
Song of the Day:Dinosaur Feathers – Family Waves
I just can’t seem to get bored of listening to this song by New York indie-pop act Dinosaur Feathers. These guys are criminally under-rated, but music sounds better when it’s like that.
She has spent a number of years working in palliative care, supporting a variety of patients who are trying to come to grips with the fact that they have only days left to live.
You can imagine that the nature of this work has allowed her to spend a considerable amount of time engaging and speaking with people who, upon knowing that they are about to reach the end of their lives, have been able to look back and pick out and divulge the bits they loved, the bits they loathed… and the bits they wish they’d never allowed to happen.
Over the course of time, Ware began to notice several common themes which she collated into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, available to buy on Amazon.
The ‘Five Regrets’ have since featured on various sites across cyberspace, and so you may already be acquainted with them, but for me they serve as both an interesting and very valuable read which is worth sharing again. I love a good old inspirational quote – and the likes of scholars, philosophers and successful entrepreneurs provide us with these in abundance, but the lessons we can learn from ordinary people, just like you and I, resonate much deeper within me. Evidently, they had the same affect on Ware, who saw the potential that this information had to change the lives of those who still (*touch wood*) have the time left to act upon these lessons.
So here we go – the Five most frequently cited Regrets of the Dying, each followed by own personal take on them.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
Maybe I’m completely wrong about my interpretation of this one, but here goes anyway…
There seems to be this uncodified yet uniform belief and expectation that by the time you reach the end of your life, your personal timeline will probably read something like this:
Birth -> Childhood -> School -> Work -> Marriage -> Own Home -> Children -> Retirement -> Death
I’m sure we’d all be happy with a timeline like this, but I think sometimes there’s far too much emphasis on this one particular trajectory, so much so that it almost comes across as an expectation that society has – an expectation that either you will actively seek to do the following or… be questioned, whether directly or indirectly, as to why not.
Expectations aren’t always bad things, sometimes they can act as marker points that help us move forward and progress. But other times they can be somewhat dangerous, in that they can lead to inferiority complexes or anxieties. People might worry that they can’t match up to a particular ‘expectation’, even if they’d like to. Perhaps people will worry that they may never find somebody to marry, or maybe they’ll worry that just because they had an x, y or z kind of education, that their future is already written in the stars for them and that nothing they do now will change that. But most frightening of all, is that people might worry that they are not good enough, and that their life choices aren’t respectable enough in the eyes of those around them, and this is perhaps the saddest part.
Ultimately, the quote says it all. Trying to live up to any apparent expectations is a waste of time and a barrier to true happiness.
With anything you do, there’ll always be somebody somewhere who disagrees with it. I don’t mean that in a negative way, but a positive one. The reality is that there’s no point even trying to fit in with other peoples’ expectations, so save your time and stress and just follow your own.
The outside of the box can be a very scary place to be, you could end up anywhere and the possibilities aren’t always good. By all means the inside is more secure, but it can also be at times claustrophobic and doesn’t always have as interesting a view.
In the end, you have to do what is right for you. It doesn’t matter if people ask questions about why you have or haven’t done particular things. Live and let live, but for your own good, don’t let other peoples’ expectations dictate your life. The truth is that there are a multitude of ways in which a life can be lived. Do the things you truly want to do – be it getting married and having children or staying single and travelling around the world with your own business – and then, unlike a lot of the people featured in Bronnie Ware’s research, you’ll die without having the most common regret of the dying. You will have lived a life true to yourself.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
Ok. Some facts: Work is essential to survive. Work gives us purpose. Work challenges us. Work rewards us and, most importantly, Work prevents us from spending all of our days sitting on the sofa dunking digestive biscuits into a cup of tea whilst watching Jeremy Kyle. We may often moan or worry about Work, but if we didn’t have it our lives would be far more complicated, fiscally much more stressful, and much more lacking in purpose. You need only look at the various statistics denoting the link between unemployment and depression to know that this is more than just a personal opinion, it’s a reality.
But – let’s stop massaging Work’s ego and making it out to be some kind of heroic deity sent down from the Heavens to save us, because there are limits to the wonderful things that Work can do for us, and in actuality, we need more than just Work to survive and feel fulfilled. There are some things that Work just can’t, or won’t, ever do for us.
Work won’t love us back. Work can’t give us a hug. Work might help us afford the ingredients but it won’t help us actually cook the dinner for our families, or tidy our houses. Work can also dump us at any time without warning, if Work so needs. Work won’t sit with us and share a cocktail whilst looking out over a sunset, and Work won’t sit and listen to you share your innermost thoughts and emotions in the way that family or friends can. Ultimately, when you look back over your life and pick out the most memorable and happy moments, Work probably won’t (and nor should it!) feature as often as your loved ones will.
All in all, Work is somebody you need to keep close, but not too close – a friend who has the capacity to be a bit of a bitch at times. And so the solution comes in finding the optimum work-life balance, and that can be hard, but it is most certainly a necessity. Work at work. Be free in your free-time. And do whatever it takes to enable it to be that way.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
I’ll be short and sweet about this one.
If somebody cannot respect your feelings, regardless of whether or not they agree, get them out of your life. Immediately.
The more respectful the people around you are, the less courage you’ll feel you need to be able to express your feelings without fear of any reprisals.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Of the Five regrets, I think this is probably the more easier to sustain – thanks in large to the likes of social networking and other forms of technology that put our friends as far away only as the palms of our hands. Such technology was probably not available or as prominently used by the generation which was the focus of Ware’s research.
Indeed, this hasn’t always been the case – you need only go back a few decades and the only form of communication accessible to all, aside from face to face interaction, were handwritten letters sent in the post. Before these, there was barely anything. If you weren’t in close proximity to somebody then that was it, good luck finding out how they were without relying on the likes of carrier-pigeons or paper cups adjoined by long pieces of string.
But despite how much easier it is now, I still see that this is an important value to adhere to.
I’m the sort of person who can go weeks, sometimes months, without getting in touch with some of my friends. It doesn’t mean the love is lost, it’s just a natural by-product of everybody being so damn busy these days, and the weeks speeding by so much faster because of this. Regardless, the people who are the most important to you should be in your heart and mind all the time, no matter how frequent or infrequent the literal contact.
Just remember to check-in once in a while, at least.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
I wasn’t completely sure what was meant by this one so I read further into Ware’s article:
“Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again”
I understand what Ware means, but I also think that a general sense of ‘always wanting more’ is another thing which can lead to people not being as happy as they ought to be.
There is always going to be another step up you can take in life, always something more you can obtain – a new relationship, a better paid job, a new phone – but there seems to only ever be a certain period of time before things begin to plateau and you’re already thinking about the next step up – marriage, an even BETTER paid job, a phone which doubles up as a treasure trove of everything you’ve ever needed (and everything you didn’t.)
Maybe what people sometimes regard as an ambition is one of the biggest contributors to people not being as happy as they could be, or not, as the Regret implies, allowing themselves to be as happy as they could be. Seldom do people ever think or accept that they’ve reached a peak. All too often, there’s this ‘one thing that’s missing’.
The solution?
Stop thinking about that extra step so much. Enjoy the plateau for a little bit longer sometimes. It’s not always about the heights you’re reaching but the fun you’re having whilst you’re experiencing all of it. If you like where you’re at then stay there until you feel any different.
And that’s it, the five most common regrets which Ware noticed were expressed by her patients.
I think the conclusion is pretty clear – stay true to yourself, live in the moment and keep a hold of what’s really important. Apparently, that’s all we need do to avoid having any regrets later down the line…
And I can believe that.
Song of the Day:Mint Royale – Show Me
Not entirely sure what the fan-made video is about, but this is a tune-and-a-half. “Jabulani siyashada namhla”. Indeed.
In recent months, I have developed a new addiction – travel writing books. My logic is that if my circumstances are such that I cannot actively be travelling right now then I may as well be doing the next best thing – reading about it.
Since my addiction began, towards the tale end of Autumn, I have visited the 7 most polluted places in the world with Andrew Blackwell, cycled from Mongolia to Vietnam with Erika Warmbrunn, driven around China with Peter Hessler, lived in a Javanese village with Andrew Beatty, and am currently whizzing around Jamaica with Ian Thomson. Up next – Barbara Demick will be covertly burrowing me through to North Korea before I then head off to the Amazon with John Gimlette. I am enjoying every moment of my trip.
I would seriously recommend this pastime to anybody else who misses the thrill of being surrounded by the unfamiliar but for whatever reason, can’t be doing it right now. It’s comparatively inexpensive, you don’t need any vaccinations nor to worry about having enough deet in your repellant, and you won’t be in any danger whatsoever.
Whilst it doesn’t quite equate to the real thing, it’s still comforting to know that you can get off the beaten track and learn about the world without getting out of bed, and that’s precisely what I plan on doing with the remainder of my afternoon. The Point When It All Makes Sense
Hitting the UK headlines this week was a rather shocking insinuation – politicians are capable of telling lies. Who would have thought so? But it’s true, former cabinet minister Chris Huhne was telling porky-pies about his ex-wife driving his car when it was caught speeding a decade ago.
Generally, anything to do with politics tends to go over my head somewhat(mainly because I have a hard time believing anything I read on the matter), but there were two things about this particular story which were of interest to me.
The first was that Huhne’s cowardice fits in perfectly well with the fact that his name, in German, roughly translates as ‘chicken’. Ja, genau!
The second is the feeling that I’ve seen his ex-wife, Vicky Pryce, somewhere before. No – it wasn’t when she was ramping up points whilst zipping along the M11 in 2003, it was somewhere else I’m sure…
N’ah yes, that’s it. As I recall, she was desperate for points then, too.
Interestingly, when Chris Huhne resigned from the cabinet over the allegations (which were initially made last year), backing came from the somewhat surprising source of none other than Fabio Capello:
“I spoke to the Prime Minister and said that in my opinion someone should not be punished until it is official that he has deliberately conspired with his ex-wife to knowingly deceive the authorities.” – Well, you’re the expert on the situation afterall, insider info and all that jazz.
It’s all conspiracy I tell thee!
To Give Up Something, or to Give Up on Trying to Decide What That Something Is?
Last year was the first time I had given something up for the entire duration of Lent. For 40 days and 40 nights, my stomach was a crisp, chocolate and cider-free zone, and I did feel a lot better for it. The weighing scales were grateful too, and calculating my weight was a slightly less painful experience for them than usual.
Lent begins again on Wednesday and I am still wondering what I’d like to give up this year. To repeat the abstinence of the 3C’s mentioned above feels slightly lacking in imagination, and I’m not so sure that crisps are thaaaaaaat fattening, and cider is something I rarely drink anymore anyway.
But what other guilty pleasures do I enjoy yet over-consume? Wine is one option, but I do believe that a glass of wine every now and then can actually be quite beneficial. So my resolution is to give up on buying any item of food or drink that isn’t necessary (to the new Sainsburys Local by the cricket ground – you have a lot of fat to answer for, buddy!). And finally, I’m going to give up on being lazy when it comes to physical exercise. A brisk 30-minute power-walk each and every day. Watch this space.
Bring it on Lent, I’m ready and waiting for ya!
Song of the Day:Ice Choir – Teletrips
I liked this artist the moment I read the name. ‘Ice Choir‘. Sounds like exactly the sort of music you want to listen to on a Sunday afternoon in February, when it’s raining and snowing outside, the sky is white, and the windows are spattered with rain and snowflakes. This song lives up to the image evoked by the name – chilled, soothing and mysterious. Enjoy.
I was delighted to find my Indonesia videos tucked away somewhere in My Documents recently. I had forgotten all about them because I didn’t think they worked on my computer… but watching them brought everything back – the sights, the sounds, the scents…the reasons why I fell in love with that country…
I’m a big advocate of living in the present moment as opposed to the past, but the truth is, two and a half years on, I still cling on to those memories so tightly because that trip taught me things I can’t imagine my life without. And I will never let go of those.
Like…learning the traditional Minangkabau dance and performing it at the Donation Day event in Universitas Andalas. It took so many rehearsals in the hot, humid heat. That song that would be oscillating round in my head each and every day…ding ding ba ding ding….and even each night as I tried to sleep….ding ding ba ding ding…
I remember the frequent rehearsal breaks to go and eat kentang goreng barbecue (barbecue chips)in the restaurant next door, and how thirsty the practice had made us, and how concerned we were over whether or not we’d be able to do a good performance at the event.
And how itchy the fabric of the traditional Minangkabau dress felt against my skin.
And how much I felt like a confused bowl of jelly up on stage.
But how much I loved that experience.
I see this video again for the first time in years and it brings it all back.
He’s often credited as one of the most intelligent people that ever lived, but this is all Socrates had to say about knowledge:
“And in knowing that you know nothing, that makes you the smartest of all.” ~ Socrates
A few decades earlier, fellow philosopher Confucius was expressing a similar sentiment in the far east: “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance. “
I guess they were speaking at a time (circa 450 b.c) when there fewer ways to learn about their surroundings – no history books, no world-maps, no photographs, no Wikipedia… but even now, when we do have all of these things, I am still doubtful that – certainly when it comes to the intangible – any of us really know anything.
A calculator can tell us that 14278 divided by 9 is 1586.4 recurring. Google Translate can tell us that the Swahili word for ‘shoe’ is kiatu. A friend can tell us that a box of Mr Kipling mince pies cost £1.79 in Sainsburys. These are things we can ‘know’, these are measurable and definitive facts.
But when it comes to a lot of other things, our understanding is based only on how we have interpreted these things. Opinions. Feelings. Ideas. Not facts.
Here’s what I mean…
A twist on the age-old cliche – is this terribly-drawn picture of a glass of Blue Hawaiian half-empty or half-full? We might assume that a pessimist would respond with “half-empty” and the optimist with “half-full”. The mathematician may press his ruler against the glass to see whether there is any disparity between the number of blue and transparent millimetres against it. The alcoholic might argue, “Damn the glass! Where’s the pitcher?!”
They’ll each be sure of their answer, but they’re all looking at the same thing. Who’s correct? What’s the right answer? Is there even one at all?
And what about this drawing? What is it? A pair of ear-muffs that have been squashed? A piece of male genitalia? A rocket? Somebody’s long nose, bushy eyebrows and moustache? A toilet plunger?
Actually, it’s a sketch of the Washington Memorial set against a backdrop of the parkland shrubbery which encircles it. And I only know this because I drew it, but if I wasn’t here to say so then the answer could be anything.
There are 7 billion people on the planet, and each of them are unique. We may share our skin colour, hometowns, appearances, faith, tastes in music or preference of shampoo with millions of others, but our eyes – those useful things we see through – are the one thing which will distinguish us from absolutely everybody else. When you think about it, that’s a hell of a lot of different ways by which the things around us can be seen and interpreted.
There is a lot of positive sentiment expressed these days for being ‘strong-minded’ – having beliefs and opinions, and standing by them at all costs. With any flexibility to this can come the slightly more derogatory term ‘weak-minded’. I think that it’s important to be both – to have opinions, but to accept that they are not the same as truth, and to welcome any opposing suggestions. This may be sounding obvious, but it surprises me just how often I see or hear opinions being projected as facts. We all do it: the cashier who short-changes us in the cafe is stupid, the cab driver who drove us into town on Saturday night was a perve, Thanet is a shithole. But none of this is true. It is only what we think. It’s only how our eyes have interpreted things.
There is a very fine line between being strong-minded, and being stubborn. Insisting that the sky is a cyan blue has no credence unless you have listened to and absorbed the words of somebody saying why they think it is more azure in colour. How can we call the cashier stupid when for all we know she might be able to play Earth Song on a pan-pipe, how can we call the cab driver a pervert when he may just have a lazy eye. Perhaps Thanet is nicer on a sunny day.
We may judge occasionally, but we will never be judges. We can share our opinions, but we have absolutely no right to try and sell them as facts, and we cannot simply presume that people will understand things in exactly the same way that we do.
A middle-aged nurse and mother of two killed herself this week because she was left so abashed after falling for a cruel joke carried out by two radio DJs on the other side of the world. What was to them and many listeners a ‘funny’ prank was to her a catalyst of unbearable shame. This is a tragic example of how individual interpretations can manage to shape exactly the same thing into such a variety of ways. This is exactly why we each need to take much more care to try and understand each other’s perspectives a little better; to be far more aware of the fact that not everybody feels the way we do about everything, and to listen and learn rather than to scuttle away with our assumptions and opinions.
And so perhaps this is what Socrates and Confucius meant when they spoke of the limitations to knowledge. So much of what we think isn’t based on fact or truth, merely on interpretations seen through unique pairs of eyes belonging to people who have led unique lives.
Let’s remember that before we allow our opinions to transcend into facts, and let’s see if there are other ways to view the things around us.
Perhaps we might surprise ourselves.
Song of the Day:Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr – Vocal Chords
Detroit-based indie-pop band named after a racing driver. This is a great song My opinion of this song is that it’s great.
I never really used to understand the big deal about the sea.
Metropolitan town born and bred, I never felt particularly enthusiastic when my parents would express their desire to one day live by the coast. “But why? The sea dun’t do anything”, I would debate. I spent several Saturdays of my teenage years in the beach-hut at Tankerton we once had (before repeat vandalism meant we needed to sadly sell) and with the exception of those really hot, bright Summer days in which we could get the dinghy out I would normally just sit inside the hut shivering and cursing the cruel, cold air, just waiting to go home, to Watford, so that I could go to Wetherspoons with my mates and share a pitcher of Blue Lagoon.
And then I grew up, and started to pay a lot more attention to our landscape and the environment around us. Moving down to East Kent – with all it’s cobbled streets, historic buildings, coarse beaches, deep forests, and valleys adorned with bright scarlet poppies or neon yellow canola – slotted in perfectly with this. I began to realise how much I really appreciated the great outdoors, and just how beautiful it can be, and how even its imperfections can be a source of stimulation.
There’s something about this particular time of year which doesn’t fill me with too much inspiration. It’s that awkward, gloomy little period between the fresh heated glow of Autumn and the festive warmth of the run up to Christmas, with it’s illuminating snowy skies. Sandwiched in between those two somewhat cheerier bookends, we have November. November, where daylight is a fleeting moment and the rain bounces monotonously off slippery pavements that shimmer orange underneath the street-lamps. On a working day, it’s that image which seems to be my only experience of the outdoors. Oh yeah – and if that’s not bad enough, it’s freezing cold too.
That’s why over the weekend it was nice to visit Seasalter, even if only for 5 minutes. 5 minutes just to pause and look out to an open sea, a sea which spans 70% of the Earth’s surface. A sea which throughout thousands of years has remained resiliently lapping up to the shoreline – ebbing and flowing, but always there, always going. This movement is profoundly peaceful to look at, and sitting there on the sea wall, breathing in the fresh salty air, I remembered how important it was to take that time every now and then just to relax and reflect – to just observe the world as it is, as it’s always been, and as it’s meant to be. In those 5 minutes – everything else was irrelevant.
Song of the Day: Destroyer – English Music
Destroyer is the musical alias of Canadian singer-songwriter Dan Bejar, fellow frontman of indie-supergroup The New Pornographers. Predominantly indie-rock, Destroyer’s music draws upon influences from a variety of decades and genres, mixes it all up, and puts its own unique stamp on it. This is Winter Music.
This past weekend, I went and met up with some of my friends from University whom I don’t often get to see these days. There was a group of us and it was like we’d never been apart – we laughed a lot, reminisced a lot, and generally added a new page to the story of our friendship. It was good! It’s always quite surreal to remember that for three whole years we were living in each others’ pockets and yet now, all these years later – we are spread far and wide,as we have been for four years now, and seldom able to get together as a group. We are “just a scattering of lights across the globe”, as one such friend mawkishly predicted after many glasses of wine on the evening of our Graduation ceremony, back in 2008.
In 2012, I am glad to have these people in my lives still, even if all we do is make jokes at one another’s expense. It seems that these days, it’s very easy for people to completely drift apart from one another. People change. Their circumstances and locations change. Their personalities change. And that includes ourselves – we are changing too, in all of these exact same ways. It’s inevitable that, as our personal situations change, the time we have available to meet up with our nearest and dearest will fluctuate. At University, I was living on the same campus as these people and seeing them every single day. And night. Lancaster University campus was the size of a walnut shell. It was impossible not to see a number of friends to stop and talk to on just one short walk to the shops. These days – with everybody living in different places and doing different things – we can go days, weeks, even months without contact. It’s a massive contrast to how it used to be, but if the friendship is strong enough, these tests of time are no problem. However, there will be other times in which people change so much that friendships slowly dissolve, albeit unintentionally. People gradually forget people sometimes and that’s sad. That’s something I try very hard not to do.
I’m not one of those people who is constantly typing away to people on the phone or over Facebook. I don’t always think it’s necessary – I don’t believe that friendships should require constant contact in order to stay alive, and if they are that high-maintenance, they’re unlikely to exist beyond the inevitable boundaries of time and distance anyway.
That said, it’s nice when you do take that time to re–connect. To catch-up. To pretend you’re young again and yet to also age with one another. To reminisce and keep the memories alive. But above all, to continue the story – we all know that life is just one long series of chapters, and that each of the chapters have their own distinguishing features, but it’s nice to keep the characters recurring and keep the story cohesive.
Always make some time – no matter how small or how infrequent – for your relationships, and in turn those same relationships will know how to survive through time.
A quick word on Jimmy Savile…
So ‘Sir’ Jimmy is not quite Jim’ll Fix It For You but Jim’ll Stick It in You…? I can safely add my name to the list of millions who are disgusted by the recent allegations. Who would have thought that that cheery, comedic looking chappy in the tracksuit, who raised millions for charity, could have turned out to be such a poisonous little turd. The recent revelations may have been a shock for the likes of you or I, but his dozens of victims will have spent most of their lives with their minds burnt by such horrifically vivid memories. These women weren’t given the option to enjoy the same kind of innocence that we could – that choice was taken away from them by a gluttonous monster who was powerful enough to always retain his innocence, albeit the different kind. Posthumously strip this straggly-haired, self-gratifying old ogre of his knighthood and let’s distance ourselves a bit from this ridiculous modern-day notion that those who enjoy money and fame are always some kind of iconic super-being. There are far more admirable and respectable people out there. They just don’t need the limelight to make their point.
Intriguing Nuggets of Other Peoples’ Conversation #2471
I was on a train over the weekend, sat near to two immaculately-dressed ladies in fur scarves who looked and spoke like the sort of people you might expect to own a rural manor-house and make home-made jams and preserves for a living. Both seemed to be in their ’60s, and their seemingly ostentatious conversation echoed around their seats.
“I didn’t much like Meeelanie laaaast niiight,” one of them began to divulge to the other in posh, plum-voiced tones, “her outfit was AAAppalling”. Fur Scarf #2 agreed, “Iiii wasn’t too fond of her either…or that other one…”
“What a pair of bitchy old beings!” I thought to myself, assuming that they were probably referring to a blissfully-unaware acquaintance from Quifflingborough Croquet Club or whatever social circles they mix in.
Fur Scarf #1 continued… “N’yes, all in all, not what I’d consider true X-Factor materialll”
I alighted the train moments later somewhat amused but albeit with my tail between my legs. The dialogue had served as a timely reminder of the scope for error when casting judgment too quickly. Ho hum.
Finally, some arty shizz: I made a new video recently using some pictures I took in an old abandoned building we accidentally stumbled across during a bikeride. Those of a nervous disposition probably shouldn’t watch. Video can be viewed here . Or if you prefer – you can click on the link that’s somewhere over there —>
New cartoons on the way soon too.
Song of the Day:Dent May – Wedding Day
Mississippi musician who writes pleasant little dream-pop ditties such as this one. A good one to chill towards the end of a long, busy and dark Autumn day. I’ve had this one on loop for the past couple of days.
My current company on the train to work each morning is a blueberry flavoured breakfast bar and an inspiring little book called ‘Peace Is Every Breath – A Practice for our Busy Lives’. The author is oneThich Nhat Hanh (pronounced ‘Tik N’yat Hawn’), 85, a Vietnamese Buddhist and Master of Zen who has spent his whole life preaching peace and encouraging people to learn the art of mindful thought and living entirely in the present. A truly selfless individual, Thich Nhat Hanh was one of the first pioneers of the idea that inner-peace is of immense benefit not just to ourselves but to those around us. When war broke out in Vietnam in the 1950s, he was one of the first few Buddhist monks to find a balance between meditating in the monasteries whilst helping out those suffering from the devastation of war in the surrounding towns and villages. Amongst other things, he orchestrated the rebuilding of homes and schools, set up medical centres and helped re-house those who had been left without a home.
Thich Nhat Hanh in 2006 – photo from Wikipedia
His spirituality has taken him around the world, most notably to the U.S (where one Martin Luther King Jr nominated him for a Nobel Prize in reaction to his movements to oppose the Vietnam War), and France – where he still lives today, in the Plum Village monastery and spiritual retreat he founded in 1982.
Now – perhaps I am being too premature in my decision to devote an entire blog post to Thich Nhat Hanh – I am only 83 pages in to the first ever book I have read by him, and it is only our 2-week anniversary – for I had not heard of him prior to a fortnight ago, when I came across his work in my local book-shop. This blog post is not intended to be an in-depth study into everything he has ever said and done though, for indeed, I have only scratched the surface myself. Yet, already I am feeling as though I have benefited from having Thich Nhat Hanh’s ideas in my life, and I just want to spread the word.
It has only been in the last couple of years that I have fully begun to embrace my spirituality. It started with the travelling and the experiences in contrasting cultures, and continued last Summer – a challenging time in which I turned to spiritual writing to help me figure life out. These days, I lead a much busier lifestyle and have a lot less time to read and – most significantly – to think. Perhaps then this is why the following summary, as featured on the back of the book, is what caused me to select Thich Nhat Hanh’s piece over the wealth of others on the bookshelf:
“In his travels round the world, Thich Nhat Hanh sees how the hectic pace of life takes its toll. This superbly simple book is his response. Rather than telling us to put our busy lives on hold, he gives us the insights and tools we need to bring the practice of mindfulness into our every waking moment. With his guidance, we can transcend the mad rush of existence and discover the ability to experience transformation and happiness here and now.”
Mindfulness in our every moment? Despite how hectic and challenging a working-class lifestyle can be? Is it even possible? I would never have thought so, but with each page, Thich Nhat Hanh is starting to convince me otherwise:
“Waking up this morning, I smile. Twenty-four brand-new hours are before me. I vow to live fully each moment and to look at all beings with eyes of compassion.”
How do you normally feel when you wake up? What thoughts run through your head? I know what goes on in mine… and my personal version of the above would probably read something more like:
“Waking up this morning, I curse my alarm and my heart sinks at the thought of going out into the freezing cold to get my train. 10 hours of work are before me, followed by a train-home which will probably be delayed due to signalling problems in the London Bridge area. I vow to try and walk home as quickly as possible, and will look at all beings with eyes of compassion! Apart from people who walk really slowly in front of me, and couples who take up the whole pavement because they are incapable of parting hands, meaning I must walk in the road, where I will probably be almost mown down by some idiot in a car who should never have been granted their drivers’ license”.
But, since I met my new buddyThich Nhat Hanh a fortnight ago, I’ve been trying to adopt his approach, and do you know something? It works!! Time and time again, on this Blog and elsewhere, I have advocated the idea of putting our heart and soul into making the most of every single second. I know it’s the right thing to do – not always the easiest thing, but the right thing. My ability to do so does not always match the standards of that belief, but Thich Nhat Hanh truly inspires when he paints a new day in such an opportunistic light. The core truth is that: we are so damn lucky to be alive, no matter the pain we may experience from time to time. Life is one big paint-palette that will, at times, run out of the brighter colours and leave us with just the muddy greens and greys. At times: we will have our hearts broken, we will watch loved ones leave us for the Heavens, we will experience sickness, and we will probably experience many other forms of pain too. These things will never be any easier to deal with, but all the whilst we have our breath, we have hope. When our palettes then become replenished with the brighter colours we will be more appreciative, more learned, and stronger than we ever were before. Anything can happen and everything has purpose. Life is our playground and the daytime is when we get to use it. Thich Nhat Hanh lives for every moment, giving his full attention to his every movement, and that is a way in which we can all strive to live.
Another of Thich Nhat Hanh’s ideas on mindfulness that has struck out at me is that of clarity of mind and reflection. As humans, our interpretation of reality is frequently contaminated by our feelings and emotions. Important to us though these are, they don’t always provide us with an accurate, un-biased reflection of the truth. Thich Nhat Hanh uses a beautiful analogy of nature which describes what a peaceful mind may look like:
“The image of a reflecting pool of water represents a tranquil mind. When the mind is not disturbed by mental formations like anger, jealousy, fear, or worries, it is calm. Visualise a clear alpine lake reflecting the clouds, the sky and the mountains around it so perfectly that, if you were to photograph its surface, anyone would think you had taken a photo of the landscape itself. When our mind is calm, it reflects reality accurately, without distortion. Breathing, sitting, and walking with mindfulness calms disturbing mental formations such as anger, fear, and despair, allowing us to see reality more clearly.”
What he is saying here is that the more focused we are on what we are doing in the present moment, the less susceptible we are to having our minds contaminated by all those ‘ugly’ emotions: anxiety, fear, anger to name just a few. The moment your mind loses its focus, that’s when it will start to wander, and that’s when all those ‘ugly’ emotions – anger, fear and despair – will creep their way into your landscape. Mindfulness – and living solely in the present moment – is Thich Nhat Hanh’s solution to this. It is impossible to think about multiple different things at the same time. Try it and see. Can you remember when it was that you laughed the hardest and loudest you’ve ever laughed? What are you going to cook for dinner tonight?
When a negative thought enters our mind we have to shift back into the present moment and focus on what we’re doing, but what if that negative thought is direct result of something that is taking place right here, right now?
Thich Nhat Hanh uses another example from nature to combat this. This time, we are trees – tall trees – blowing around in a storm of emotion:
“When trees get hit by a storm, the treetops are thrashed around and run the highest risk of being damaged. The trunk of a tree is more stable and solid; it has many roots reaching deep into the Earth. The treetops are like your own head, your thinking mind. When a storm comes up in you, get out of the treetop and go down to the trunk for safety. Your roots start down at your abdomen, slightly below the navel…put all your attention on that part of your belly, and breathe deeply. Don’t think about anything, and you’ll be safe while the storm of emotions is blowing.”
We are humans and as such we have feelings. We are not super-intelligent beings and we don’t always know best. The way in which we perceive things is very much determined by our strength of character. We are loved, and we love. We have passions and desires, and should anything threaten those we won’t react well. Thich Nhat Hanh’s solution is to ride the storm by focusing on our ‘roots’, channeling all our energy into our lower stomachs and breathing mindfully. Doing so won’t always make the problem disappear, because let’s be honest – shit happens and nobody is immune from it, but just taking those few moments to check back in with ourselves helps us to steady ourselves and embrace whatever challenge we face in the strongest possible way, not in a kneerjerk, panicked and wilted way – but instead the most calm, collected and strong.
I could easily go on, telling you about the ideas of Thich Nhat Hanh, but if you’ve liked what you’ve read so far, why not head down to your local bookshop and buy yourself a copy of one his many publications about peace and mindfulness? Marvel for yourself – like I do – at just how much sense one individual can make. Thich Nhat Hanh is the kind of inspirational being that modern society needs – for he teaches us that in life, less is more. We don’t actually need a lot of things to lead a wholesome lifestyle – just a bit of mindfulness. All else will follow.
“In the garbage, I see a rose. In the rose, I see the garbage. Everything is in transformation. Even permanence is impermanent.”
Song of the Day:Owen Pallett – This is the Dream of Win & Regine
The first time I encountered Owen Pallett aka Final Fantasy it was one Monday in May 2005 and I was in London watching the Arcade Fire – who at that point were relatively unknown – performing in the London Astoria. The whole concert was a fantastic hybrid of accordions, brass, strings and a sense of sound which numbed my entire body. The sound of Montreal dominated my stereo throughout most of the mid-2000s, and it had been so special to be there watching the Arcade Fire perform – possibly their first concert in the UK. I remember a lanky guy with blonde curtains and a violin opening the show. His name was Owen Pallett and within his short spell on stage he managed to build up a great rapport with the audience. This song was his testimony to Win and Regine of Arcade Fire and the demands they had faced as newcomers in the Montreal music scene… but you don’t necessarily have to care about any of that to be able to appreciate this raw talent:
sophiekemsley 